| More Letters to the Future. Dear Future Son Jace Oliver ______, Future Daughter Holly Analiese ______, and Future Daughter Sadie Iris ______. I am your mother, and I am 17! Buahaha. I've named you all for quite a while, and if Jace Oliver, Holly Analiese, and Sadie Iris don't end up being your names, then you can assume that a special someone drastically changed my life. Because I think those are the perfect names. I am not going to plan your life like I plan everything else, but here are some basic guidelines on how to not piss off your mother. Please follow these, I am notorious for being pissed off ^_^. Now, I am a fail at Chinese. I can speak the bare minimum (enough to order food at restaurants, thank you), understand Cantonese and some Mandarin, and read absolutely nothing. I hated Chinese school. But too bad for you, because I'm making you go to Chinese School! HAHA :). All children should be cultured, and if I was bright enough to pick up on Chinese, then I would teach you myself. But I am not, and if your father is, then you're off the hook. If not...suckers! Thats right, I will call my children suckers. But I still love you all. You three will not be American brats, because Grandfather will smack the crap out of you. And! That means that you will greet your relatives or other unknown Chinese people with their proper titles, and if you don't, then you don't get to eat dinner. Just kidding, you'll get to eat dinner. But I won't be very happy about it. :P. As I cannot stand stupid, ignorant people, you three better be smart! I am a pretty smart person (yay for tooting my own horn) and your future father wont be a dumby either, so please dont embarrass us by being stupid :). Because..Grandpa will smack the crap out of you. As will Aunty Debbie, she's kinda mean sometimes. Uncle Calvin is a little nicer, but he'll just talk you into boredom until you make yourself smart just to escape him. Grandma will always love you. But. I will not stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do in your life (within reason). You like to cook? Be a chef. You love to dance? Be a dancer (but have a day job, please.) You love science? Be a scientist (and I am totally not praying that you love science right now.) I will not bestow upon you inhibitions that would make you feel uncomfortable. Money is material, but passion is everlasting. Make the right decision, and I will have no problem with it. Just..please dont aspire to be a stripper. Grandpa will smack the crap out of you. My children, you will never be ugly. Your momma has small eyes with hooded eyelids, a squashy button nose, uneven ears, cheeks too big for her face, and yellow teeth. Your father is amazingly hot. But no matter what you look like, you will never be ugly. Ugly is an attitude. Please remember that when you're going through your awkward teenage years and you have pimples appearing every two seconds (been there, still there! it sucks! i wont say anything mean, i promise.) Please remember that when you are slightly over/under weight. Although you won't be because yo momma is a Grade A pediatrician that will make sure you are HEALTHY. Please remember that when that boy/girl rejects you for a date. Because. Grandpa will smack the crap out of him/her. You are my children, and I love you unconditionally. I believe in discipline, so you best be good, or a smack you will get! :). About dating. I had my first boyfriend when I was in the 6th grade. And I fell in love for the first time in the 8th grade. Yes, ridiculously young. But I had to hide and dodge from Grandpa and Grandma (because they would've smacked the crap out of me.) for a long time, and I hope that you don't feel that way about me. I am not your best friend, I am your mother, but please come to me about this! I dont want you to hide and be sneaky like I was, because I always felt deceptive. You like a boy/girl? Good! Tell me! I will be very nice, unless he/she is a punk. Dont date a punk. Because..well you know what Grandpa would do. AND. DONT HAVE SEX. I'm still a virgin, and you should be too. This is absolutely non-negotiable. Drugs and alcohol is always a no. Sorry, thats just how it is. But..if you are ever going to experiment..would you please tell me? Yes I will be angry, but you can always get brownie points because you told me. Brownie points are good. I'm pretty understanding, but gawwwwwd, don't embarrass your doctor mother by ruining your health. The irony will just kill me. Starting at a very young age, I'm going to enroll you three in ridiculous amounts of classes. Gymnastics, martial arts, drawing and painting, dancing, singing, accelerated reading and writing and math, sports, all the good stuff. Therefore, when you grow up, you will not suck at stuff ^_^. Im such a genius. But if you dont like it, tell me. No reason for me to keep wasting money on stuff you dont like! Please be nice to each other. I have a very good relationship with Uncle Calvin and Aunty Debbie, and we love each other alot. I will be damned if you guys grow up to hate each other :(. I can't think of anything else to write right now, because your mom is kind of at work. She is supposed to be watching the centrifuge, but it still has like 5 minutes on it, so who cares. Anyways! Please be good children, and remember that I will always love you. Love, Your Mommy. (Please always call me mommy. Its so cute. Even when you're 40.) |
