No birthday wish from you this year. It's such a minor, unimportant detail..but that's it right? We're not friends anymore? It's reality I'm still not willing to accept. To reject friendship is to reject memories, and to reject memories is to deny existence.

I don't mean to dwell..but seriously, thats it? What happens later? What if I get into medical school, do I tell you and will you be happy for me? What if I get married, do I invite you? The transition from lover to stranger was gentle enough, but its the fact that I do not know you that bothers me.

**edit.

Honestly, you give me anxiety. If Andrew and I ever break up, I will never not want to be his friend.

That awkward moment..

when you get a fat reality check, realize that your probelms are incredibly insignificant, and that you should be grateful for everything that you have, and not complain about the what-ifs. I love my life.

Do you ever..

feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind? LOL. But really though. Sometimes I feel like I have no identity, and that scares the shit out of me because...fuck I can't even finish this sentence. I'm such a horrible writer now -_-. It scares the shit out of me because my self-assurance in my character has always been one of the things I liked about me best. I knew who I was, you know? I was SMART and CONFIDENT and RATIONAL. Now I feel like I'm just a culmination of things around me. I'm weird like Michelle. I'm dgaf like Allen. I'm nerdy with Andrew. Its like I somehow slipped out of my own skin and started trying on everyone else's, but with no apparent purpose. I don't have a claim, a characteristic that is so ELAINE that everybody associates it with me. What the fuck happened?

My original characteristics are no longer the forerunners in describing me. That fucking sucks. I never thought I would have one of these "identity" problems, and honestly when I try to tell people about it, they laugh in my face because its a ridiculous notion. I don't know. I just feel so average. And average is one of my biggest fears. 

I just want to go back to those days when I really really knew who I was. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore, and that breaks my heart because I'm not THAT person.

Don't worry, I'm emotionally stable. LOL

Lame.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually crazy, or if I can ever get a hold of my insane ability to go from :D to >:[ within milliseconds. I destroy myself

Just can't stop with these posts, can I?

Been having a bad slew of nightmares recently..thanks for always rocking me back to sleep <3